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"You're so stupid!" - "No, you're a narcicist."

Updated: Apr 2, 2023

In working through my chaplaincy course this morning I was reading about a couple who came in for counseling because the husband kept calling the wife "stupid." This triggered me to think about how my Dad always used to do this to my mom - as far back as I can remember. He'd do this at any time, anywhere.

Before walking away from my parents the last time due to their refusal to respect my boundaries I can still hear my Dad calling my Mom stupid. I can also hear my Mom calling me stupid. These are traits narcissists have and use in their arsenal without even thinking about it. Unfortunately, this is also a learned behavior. While we may not want to see narcissistic traits in ourselves, sometimes we need to step back and take note. Things like calling people stupid may have been ingrained in us from childhood. (I know this is the case for me.)

Does the fact that they're ingrained in us make it right for us to say these things? No, of course, it doesn't, but looking at where they come from helps us see them for what they really are: These words are a form of abuse that was dealt out to us as children from narcissistic parents. They're ingrained in us and affect our self-esteem. Knowing this and how the abuse we've suffered has harmed us, we should never use these words on others and when we do, we need to apologize.

So, the next time someone calls you "stupid," I challenge you to think to yourself, "No you're a narcissist." And if you need support in doing so, reach out to me here at Healing Family Trauma Pittsburgh in Pittsburgh, PA.

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